Scare Tactics
“I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it.” George Bernard Shaw
Divorce is not fun. It is not a game. It certainly is not easy. Unfortunately, nothing adds difficulty to an already demanding situation like the belligerent, agitating, self-aggrandising bully of a divorce lawyer who happens to represent your spouse. When I started to represent myself, Peckerhead viewed me as “easy picking” because, well, I was. As part of his technique, he always waited until the last minute to serve applications and affidavits or tried to goad me into foolish acts of aggression or non-compliance with required legal procedures. Intimidation by threatening consequences if you don’t comply with their wishes is a classic technique lawyers often use.
When the tone of Peckerhead from Scamford Partners got particularly rude, nasty, and exceptionally condescending, I’m not going to deny it; I got kind of worked up. My blood would rush to my head, and I couldn’t hold back a fierce grin. The situation often merited my favourite legal response.
“We’re going to keep this short and sweet. Do you have a pen and paper? I don’t want to send back any letters or emails; I want you to write down my formal response. Are you ready? Good. The formal response to your client is,
‘Eat Shit and Go Fuck Yourself.’ Did you get all that, or should I repeat it?”
Often, that would catch Peckerhead off guard. He’ll quickly ask me why I’m behaving so unprofessionally. I just tell him to “be a courteous professional and pass along the message. Goodbye.”
Remember, lawyers do not want to solve your legal problems. Resolving conflicts dries up their billable hours. Instead, they want to encourage as much chaos and destruction as possible. That way, they become more important. Most lawyers have no balls. They aren’t businesspeople and are usually unwilling to take even the slightest personal risk. In fact, surprisingly, most lawyers are incredibly uncomfortable about being attacked personally and are not used to it.
It’s incredible how, despite a tolerance for causing pain for others, he will usually have an exceptionally low tolerance for pain himself. You actually have a lot of leverage over them by threatening to report them to the Ombudsman or the Legal Services Board and Commissioner. They won’t risk anything important on a bluff if you threaten the two things they guard most dearly: their license and their reputation.